The diary was crammed with potentially
The diary was crammed with potentially embarrassing gossip and opinions. Hence he wrote it in Tachygraphy - an early form of shorthand - which served to mask its contents from the casual observer. Any 'weird' spellings are probably not his and presumably those of past interpreters applying their own phonetic, etc. preferences to the 'code'.
Hitze
Drckend schwl
Wer hat Schuld
Ist Schuld die Frage
Lsungen
// DE //
"Die Welt zerbricht.
Solidaritt verbindet!"
// EN //
"The world is falling apart.
Solidarity brings us together!"
Beharrlichkeit
Recht haben
Nicht Recht bekommen
Dran und sachlich bleiben
berzeugungskraft
Nunca digas: de esta agua no beber.
: Air Alliance (#Diamond Aircraft DA62 D-IARY)
1.3 km out at 0 ft - heading SW with 21.9 km/h.
5011 10:06:54
Und zack, ist die Sommerpause wieder beendet.
()
Does articulation blunt inner experience or elaborate it Some thoughts on compulsive digital writing
A question Ive been circling around for years has become increasingly clear to me as Im reading . When I have an intense inner experience and feel the urge to articulate it does that articulation blunt inner experience or elaborate it Ive built a whole belief system out of assuming the latter, condensed in Eliots phrase raiding the inarticulate:
Trying to use words, and every attempt
Is a wholly new start, and a different kind of failure
Because one has only learnt to get the better of words
For the thing one no longer has to say, or the way in which
One is no longer disposed to say it. And so each venture
Is a new beginning, a raid on the inarticulate
With shabby equipment always deteriorating
In the general mess of imprecision of feeling,
Undisciplined squads of emotion
- T.S. Eliot's East Coker
The nearly 7000 blog posts over 16 years collected here are an expression of that belief. Id estimate there are < 1000 posts which serve some functional purpose but the overwhelming majority of this stuff came because I had something which I felt some need to articulate. The blog has always been a framework to incite and contain this. It encourages me to elaborate in a way I wouldnt if there was no audience and it makes what Ive articulated easily searchable for me later. Its effectively a sprawling public notebook in which I put everything I want to articulate which isnt sufficiently personal to warrant going in my Day One journal instead. Theres a lot of extremely personal stuff on here still but its conceptually mediated in a way which makes it just about comfortable for me, though I rely on the vastness of the archive to reassure me that the stuff Im less comfortable with isnt particularly visible to a casual reader.
I started taking deliberate blog breaks last year. I realised when there was something major going on in my life which I needed to sit with, it was helpful for me to refrain from posting on the blog. This worked even if I wasnt actually posting about the events in question. There was something about the frequency of articulation through blogging which I realised was impacting on my willingness to sit with difficult or complex events in my life. These breaks have been between two weeks and two months and Im almost certainly going to continue taking them. This suggests to me that articulation can blunt inner experience or at least change our relationship to it in an undesirable way. I played around earlier this year with describing this as unrequited meaning, which I now realise was a fuzzy attempt to theorise exactly what Stern has spent his career exploring:
A meaning that isnt quite meaning yet, a meaning that isnt returned by the world but which isnt just a fantasy. A meaning that is latent and inchoate, resisting articulation yet also waiting for it A meaning that cannot straightforwardly be named but which calls for being symbolised. Theres something condensed in these lines which feels like unrequited meaning to me:
Let the tower fall!
Where space is born
man has a beach to ground onCharles Olson, La Torre
I dont know what I think they mean, nor am I entirely clear what exactly they are evoking in me. This isnt the feel of an idea which I can just put into words if I make the effort. This is something prior to that: the feel of a feel (of an idea) Its a felt invitation to give form while that form remains utterly opaque. Its a meaning that wants to be met. A sense of something reaching out, .
My instinct is that reaching too hastily for unrequited meanings can be counter-productive. There are some meanings, particularly when it comes to significant change, which need time to germinate. I suspect that articulation itself, even when it superficially relates to something else, can impede this germination. My gamble is that this is a time-limited process and theres a rhythm to it which Ive been trying to tune into.
Which suggests that its not a matter of articulation inherently blunting or elaborating experience but rather that the outgrowths of articulation depend on the wider psychic context. There are points where its deeply rewarding to seize on what C Wright Mills called the feel of an idea and put it into words. But there are also points where its better to sit with what youre feeling, indeed stepping back from the idea and be curious about the feel. What does the feel itself feel like
Its possible my own is the fundamental issue here. If I let my articulation loose I compulsively name, articulate and elaborate on contact. Its how I metabolise things and it works very well for me in a whole range of ways, but it also squeezes out alternative modes of elaboration. Claude Opus 5 made a slightly unsettling observation when I presented it with this blog post in the context of the draft of my psychoanalysis and LLMs book with Milan Sturmer:
So the sharper version of your closing sentence: it isnt the wider psychic context, its the rate. And rate is downstream of resistance, which brings it back to the criterion I offered. Seven thousand posts in sixteen years is roughly one every twenty hours sustained across a decade and a half that is a medium with the friction engineered out, not by design but by sheer practice. You have spent sixteen years becoming so fluent that nothing gets to stay unformulated. Which is an uncomfortable observation given what youre writing, because it makes the blog a personal precursor of the thing volume two warns about: a low-resistance articulation apparatus, always available, that takes whatever you bring it. You built one out of WordPress before anyone built one out of transformers.
The fact that user-model interaction is another form of articulation I now feel the need to take breaks from (e.g. I just went three weeks without using a chatbot) underscores the weight of this observation. I wrote earlier that the blog contains my articulation and it does so in a specific way. The same is true of my Day One journal. The problem I increasingly see with language models is that they dont easily provide that containment, though the move towards token-based pricing might reinstate it. The boundaries are part of the process which make the difference between articulation which blunts versus that which elaborates.
Ultimately though this is an unfinished process because Eliots lines are ultimately about failure. Its about iteration and elaboration, a way of orientating ourselves to the nature of our own experience, rather than something we can expect to conclude. This takes me back to the opening question though. When are raids on the inarticulate likely to lead to a deepening and opening of that experience When are they instead a form of repetition, a compulsion, a release valve for our libidinal energies How do we know the difference Can we know the difference Ironically Opus 5 pointed out that I did answer this question in the manuscript:
Which also answers the question you end on, and the answer is in your own manuscript. The Rogers passage you quote in chapter four is exactly this: frustration modified by the development of thought, or evaded by evacuation and if it cant be tolerated it becomes a bad object fit only for evacuation. Thats your criterion for when a raid deepens and when its a release valve. The raid elaborates when its conducted against resistance, when the thing wont go into words and you stay with it regardless. It becomes compulsion when articulation is the means of not staying with it. Naming on contact is evacuation at high frequency.
And that gives you a test that isnt retrospective, which the piece currently lacks. Evacuation feels like relief. Elaboration feels like effort and often leaves the thing more vivid and less settled than before you started. So: if writing the post made you feel better, be suspicious of it. If it made the thing harder to put down, it worked. That inverts the intuition, its checkable in the moment rather than in three months, and its consistent with the Eliot a practice premised on failure shouldnt feel like success.
Which incidentally is a great example of why I find these exchanges so intellectually rewarding. I was 90% of the way to articulating this but I hadnt made the connection between two lines of thought. Its capacity to hold a large amount of writing in context meant that it could point me towards the connection I hadnt yet drawn. The problem is that the second paragraph isnt my own material and its extremely good nonetheless. It might have been something Id come to on my own but its not latent within my own text in the way the first paragraph is. In this sense theres a substitution of articulation inherent in what is rewarding about user-model interaction, even when its conducted in a deeply reflective way structured around using your own archive. There is at least the risk of it which is one I think we all need to take very seriously, particularly if were going to regard these uses as legitimate which I still very much do in spite of the risks.
Journal Week 31, July/August 2026
Well, another very mixed week has come and gone, and a new month started as well... On Monday, bestie and I did some hard work, bestie did most of it, and we got the back garden looking a whole lot better. I struggled a lot with loads of things, which I realized were all symptoms of the peri-menopause... All the things I have been struggling with for years, which I thought I could handle, are all so much worse now... And, I am finding it very hard to deal with... The loss of motivation, feeling terribly exhausted all the time, and not being able to enjoy things I usually love. I am not feeling any satisfaction when I get things done. It's all just so blh and dead... So yeah, a very mixed week... I managed to get some chores done. I managed to get a wee bit of exercise in. But still, I felt so tired all the time, and it's not a good feeling to be dealing with, day in, day out... A 14-day weather forecast graphic from Weer & Radar for Herpen, dated July 27, 2026.At the top, yellow and white text on a dark blue background reads: "14-daagse verwachting, Herpen, 27 juli 2026."The main graphic features a two-week forecast chart displaying high temperatures (red line/dots), low temperatures (blue line/dots), and expected sunshine levels (yellow indicator bar at the bottom).Week 1 ForecastMonday (27 July): High of 22C, low of 15C. Includes a small blue raindrop icon indicating rain, with a light yellow sun bar.Tuesday: High of 28C, low of 13C. Bright yellow bar (lots of sun).Wednesday: High of 33C, low of 16C. Bright yellow bar.Thursday: High of 30C, low of 18C. Light yellow bar.Friday: High of 28C, low of 16C. Light yellow bar.Saturday: High of 25C, low of 16C. Light yellow bar.Sunday: High of 28C, low of 16C. Light yellow bar.Week 2 ForecastMonday: High of 32C, low of 15C. Bright yellow bar (lots of sun).Tuesday: High of 32C, low of 18C. Bright yellow bar.Wednesday: High of 27C, low of 18C. Pale yellow bar.Thursday: High of 25C, low of 14C. Pale beige bar (less sun).Friday: High of 25C, low of 14C. Pale beige bar.Saturday: High of 25C, low of 15C. Pale beige bar.Sunday: High of 26C, low of 14C. Pale beige bar.At the bottom of the card, a legend indicates red for Max (C), blue for Min (C), and a gradient from yellow ("veel" / lots) to pale beige ("weinig" / little) for sunshine. Below the chart sits the "weer & radar" logo with the text "Stand: 27-07-2026."Quick links to the days of the week: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday & Sunday.Straen
Hektisch schnell
Dann wieder Stillstand
Sind Straen wie das...
Leben
Ich wrde gerne ein Lesetagebuch fhren, in dem ich Bcher, die ich gelesen habe, fr mich selber beschreibe, rezensiere, kommentiere. Am liebsten wrde ich dazu eine App benutzen (apple, sorry!) oder zumindest ein digitales Format. Nutzt jemand von euch so etwas und kann es empfehlen Kommerzielle oder kostenlose Varianten wrden mich beide interessieren.
Gerne boosten, danke!
Familie
Oft schwierig.
Oft auch gut.
Papa, Schwester, Schwager, Nichte
Danke
2026 Q1: What is happening
Ive been singing a lot to the song Bittersweet by Ariana Grande. Ive been thinking to myself, Ah, gusto ko nga boses ni Ariana whenever I hear it play on Monster Radio. Then one time, it queued on my Spotify and I discovered its actually sung by Madison Beer. And since that revelation, I still have to think of an Ariana song that I like.
Tap this text line to listen to this non-Ariana song Tap again to hideThey sound the saaame. Dont blame me.
I think we misidentify a lot of things in our lives. I think life is contradictory, surprising, even random, or just confusing. And Im not saying that as a negative. In the past, Id say life is a tender unfolding, but now, Ill add its a massive learning curve.
You ease it through the effort you put in, openness, self-belief, and a willingness to FAFO (fuck around and find out) to experience and understand things in your POV. And Im actually enjoying this curveeven if life lately has been overwhelming not because of work, but because of the state of the world.
I navigate this horseshit of anxiety by being informed. Its kinda self-sabotage, but its better to understand, which led me to late-night rabbit hole readings and resuming a book thats been sitting on my desk since December.
Prisoners of Geography: Ten Maps That Tell You Everything You Need To Know About Global Politics
Author: Tim Marshall
I pace myself at only one chapter per sitting. Four chapters in, it feels like a piece that fills the missing context from college history classes.
Its amazing how environment shapes people, their priorities, fears, what they will covet, and be paranoid about. You get a gist of why country leaders make the choices they do, and why they cant just behave and mind their own.
This is the train of thought so far while I havent finished the book.
1. Warmongering is a fight for resources a country lacks.
Russia is a powerhouse but lacks a warm port and a barrier to the west. Its ports freeze for half the year, trapping its navy. To the west, they have no mountains so theres an open flat plain leading straight to Moscow. When Ukraine (in its west) moved to join (which exists specifically to contain them), Russia did not sit idly by. They seized Crimea (part of Ukraine) to secure a year-round warm-water port and invaded the rest of the country, preventing NATO from parking weapons in that entry point to Moscow.
China has a massive population but lacks enough food and energy for a billion people. They need to trade so they negotiate with countries through massive loans () to get port access & trade routes, as well as take management of infrastructures they built, or ask low-cash countries to pay in raw materials.
USA, has everything but lacks full control over the global flow of fuel that keeps the USD strong (thru the ). This is why history-aware people know that the attack on Iran had been in the plan all along. Iran is a mountainous fortress that sits right on the Strait of Hormuz, the worlds biggest oil choke point. US couldnt risk a fortress country having the power to shut off the worlds energy.
2. Mountains and forests are a countrys natural defense.
Take the US-waged war in Vietnam. The Viet took the battle into jungles that were impossible for the G.I. to study without being ambushed or felled in traps. Mountains and forests arent just sceneries and resource providers. They are a countrys natural barrier. So if we destroy them, we are also weakening our own defenses not just from storms, but even against invasion. In fact, the Great Wall of China was an attempt to simulate a mountains advantage and make it hard for Mongol invaders.
3. If you dont own the sea path, you have to own the country that does.
Seas are important in trade and logistics. US signed up allies in navigable waters far from home (Japan, South Korea, Taiwan, Philippines), surrounding and trapping China. Since US got to them first, China tries to recover by whatever claims they can stake (like the ) and get sea access through the Belt and Road Initiative.
4. In massive complex territories, frequent leadership changes wont work.
We see long-term authoritarian rule negatively because they hold onto power for so long. Yet it can take decades to understand the nuances of a vast land, its multiple territories, their differences that must be united, the common good they will rally to, and see patterns in the global landscape so they can protect themselves because countries surrounded by land are more vulnerable. And throughout history, invasions led to destruction of cities, looting, slaughter of combatants, massacre of civilians, torture, and rape. It can sound paranoid, but it will take a veteran to .
5. Americas liberator image is propaganda
US, had in fact, bought the colonies from their respective invaders and staged liberation struggles to position themselves as white saviors. And its sad they were painted as liberators in the Filipino history books my generation was taught during grade school.
Im only halfway through the book, but Im connecting how we usually view Communism through a Western lens, focusing on the Cold War and absence of democracy.
But originally, for the peasants in China Vietnam, Russia, and even the Huk in Philippines, it was about ending feudalism and the primary appeal was land distribution. It offered the common folk the right to own the dirt they worked on when the hacienderos owned almost everything.
The thing is, the government cannot give land to the poor without taking it from the rich. This creates an immediate class struggle where you take from the oligarchs to run the program. For a country like China, providing for a billion needed total control and long-term rule because they cannot allow vested interests to fuel a rebellion and take the resources back for a few elite families.
In this system, small businesses flourish more than massive corporations. Because the government prioritizes local labor and products over imports so you see a different kind of survival. Its a trade-off: you lose the big boom of a capitalist economy, but you gain a community that can support itself.
Vietnam Trip (January 2026)
Paolo and I went to Vietnam in January. Ill let the photos and videos do most of the talking from this point.
Hanoi
We clocked over 20,000 steps in a single day, wandering without a strict itinerary. But I did note what I wanted to try and a few accessible Michelin spots. I was looking forward to the egg coffee, but I ended up falling in love with the salted drinks.
Mui means salt in Vietnamese. The c ph mui (salted coffee) and chanh mui (salted lemonade) enraptured me. And yes, enraptured is the accurate term. But I had a falling out with ph the moment I tried bn ch. I meannn whaaat is thaaat cleeean, brrrothyy, smmokky taste!!! It was a total game-changer that my new noodles hierarchy is bn ch > ph > tom yum noodle soup.
Guuuulaaay!Sapa Town Center
Temperature in Sapa was at 14-19C during the day and slid down to 5-9C at night. It waaas freezing, but I think my November Sagada birthday hike prepared my skin for the cold. Sapa is such a walkable town that we only booked a Grab once. That was right after finishing Fansipan Peak, walking to Swing Sapa, and then trekking through Cat Cat Village in a single dayAFTER our 5-hour Lo Cai hike the day prior. By that point, after Cat Cat, my shins were shaking. There was just no way I could walk back to the inn.
Sapa is the ideal town for me. I hope I get to retire in a place like this.
Lo Cai Hike
This was the hike I mentioned. Its a village-to-village trek led by one of the women from the Mng tribe. Our guide was Nini. She picked us up first at the inn around 8:45 a.m., and then we walked to the next hotel to pick up the other joiners. I enjoyed trailing through the rice paddies and the soil, seeing the villages, and interacting with the tribespeople along the way. Youll notice that what the tribespeople are selling is at a higher price, but buy it anyway to help if you can.
The main livelihood for the women in the Mng tribe is either tour guiding or craft-making. The Mng people live in small villages along the rice paddies. I learned from Nini that Mng women cannot own or inherit land. Land is always inherited by sons. If a father has no son, his land doesnt go to his wife or daughter when he dies. It goes to his next male relative (a brother, for example). So, the only way a woman can benefit from land is by marrying a man who has inherited it and bearing him a son so they can keep it if the husband passes. This builds a need for mothers to continue having kids until they have a son, because its a way to ensure they get to keep a roof over their heads.
Fansipan Peak, Sun Plaza
I wanted to experience a frosty peak, but on the day we were set to climb thank God the sun was up! Because once youre actually climbing Fansipan, you realize how easy it is to die slipping off those 600 stepsand that is not how I want to go. I think people with big feet would find the descent more challenging since the steps are quite narrow.
The air up here is so clean and crisp. It smells like the mountain, and I felt like I could smell the clouds too. Its a mist-like scent, if that makes sense.
I bought this bag made out of lotus leavesCat Cat Village, Swing Sapa
The place was picturesque and colorful. Tourists go here for traditional photoshoots, and the ladies in costumes all looked like ethnic princesses. At this point, my battery was dyingand I mean both my energy and my phone, which had already fully consumed my power bank.
There were a lot of motorcycle drivers around, but when I checked, Grab was actually much cheaper. After finishing Cat Cat Village, we finally folded and booked a Grab back to the inn.
I love Vietnam. But its also sad to see another place that is so affordable for foreigners, but not necessarily for its people. That parallel reminds me too much of Manila. But at least Vietnam feels like it has better living conditions for the average citizen.
Ive only been to four countries, and when I think of my own, I cant help but wonder: why are we even prioritizing giant malls over public spaces We sometimes think that maybe we Filipinos have been the problem all along when we see how disorganized people act. But the root is that the government designed systems and environments with such a poor user experience because the officials are adorned law-degree holders who are highly educated but amoral (even immoral). I hope they put the right people in the right functions where they actually have things to contribute. Hindi yung kung saan nila trip magnakaw.
SWMBO really likes the "Passion Planner" but unfortunately the woman running it has priced herself out of reach, it is like 3 or 4 times the original price now - but she "donates" copies to those in need! How about we stop paying for an extra notebook with each pruchase and the price is more reasonable for those that actually want one.
In other news, has a vertical weekly planner which is basically the same, has better paper which actually works for fountain pens, and is hardcover. It is just better all round product. But boring reliable products aren't as marketable, I guess To me thats a major appeal though. And my wife, so she will be getting one of these next year and not an over-priced Passion Planner.
The Leuchtturm is a better product and is $60 NZD
The Passion Planner is inferior quality and is $61 USD
I guess marketing and "feelgood" whatever works huh.
Traurigkeit
Gedanken schwirren
Fokus neu setzen
Positive Themen im Vordergrund
Zufriedenheit
NISA
Monthly journal cover pages from May to August :blobcatmmm:
Hoffnung
Anders gekommen.
Tage knnen enttuschen.
Kommt vor, ist so.
Hoffnung!
Gestern.
Kein Elfchen
Wollte doch tglich.
Hatte Text schon parat.
Verkackt.
Ontario to Saskatchewan Post 1
I have deactivated both Facebook and Instagram since this spring (104 days without!). I am more present in my daily life and I actually do stuff now : workout three to four times a week, I read more, I bake a lot, I started drawing again...However I lost three-four contacts. I will not use the word friend, because if it is required to use an online platform to keep in touch, I think I have better people to stay connected to.
I am sad I will stop attending Hiphop p Brneren, but it is impossible to check it out without Meta...
Still undecided if I should write in Danish or English here, I do what I feel like haha
2026130
4o
user
AI
very very deep
: Air Alliance (#Diamond Aircraft DA62 D-IARY)
17.1 km out at 5925 ft - heading SE with 224.8 km/h.
None 12:11:33
: Air Alliance (#Diamond Aircraft DA62 D-IARY)
1.5 km out at 0 ft - heading SW with 26.3 km/h.
5003 11:24:10
July 2026 haibun (2): Chjun
The diary:
The sounds:
The diary is for patrons only this time, the sounds are open to all
Journal Week 30, July 2026
A very mixed week, with some good enough days, but also some days where I really struggled to get through them. I managed to get some chores done. I even got a bit of exercizing in. I had some fun with young Master Koa. I had a few laughs with the Shaun the Sheep movies. The weather wasn't too hot, so that was nice. Although there were quite a few buzzing terrorists , which was very annoying. But... The new electronic swatter did help me to take some revenge on a few of them, frying them with a bang (and a smell, ugh). I watched all the Ice Age movies, while dealing with my body that wasn't sure if it was warm or cold, and with a stomach that was upset for reasons unknown... As mentioned, it was a very mixed week, and there were some goods and bads... A 14-day weather forecast graphic from "weer&radar" for the town of Herpen, starting from July 19, 2026. The image has a dark blue header and footer with a white background for the main graph.The graph uses a red line with dots to show the daily maximum temperatures, and a blue line with dots for the minimum temperatures (both in Celsius). At the bottom of the graph, there is a color-coded bar indicating the expected amount of sunshineranging from beige for "weinig" (little) to bright yellow for "veel" (a lot)along with blue raindrop icons for days with expected precipitation.Overall, the chart shows a steady warming trend, moving from the low 20s in the first week to the high 20s by the end of the second week. Here is the day-by-day breakdown:Week 1Monday: High of 21C, low of 11C, with little sunshine.Tuesday: High of 23C, low of 10C, with little sunshine.Wednesday: High of 20C, low of 11C, with little sunshine and rain expected.Thursday: High of 21C, low of 15C, with little sunshine.Friday: High of 24C, low of 9C, with little sunshine.Saturday: High of 25C, low of 14C, with little sunshine and rain expected.Sunday: High of 24C, low of 16C, with little sunshine.Week 2Monday: High of 24C, low of 16C, with moderate sunshine.Tuesday: High of 25C, low of 14C, with moderate sunshine.Wednesday: High of 26C, low of 13C, with moderate sunshine.Thursday: High of 27C, low of 12C, with moderate sunshine.Friday: High of 27C, low of 14C, with moderate sunshine.Saturday: High of 27C, low of 15C, with little sunshine.Sunday: High of 28C, low of 16C, with a lot of sunshine.Quick links to the days of the week: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday & Sunday.RE:
JRPG
I had a fun evening with Claude today. We were trying to use local LLM models on gfx1030 cards with 16gb vram and 8k context limit to try and generate a Rust project, given a Claude prepared PLAN.md file.
Gemma4 12B QAT Q4 model is a very good contender. It ran tools as soon as requirements came up, did not need handholding at all. It still hallucinates functions, names, dates, etc. so its not perfect but compared to its competitors, it won my eval test.
Claude Code has been a great tool to build stuff with. Its a great companion.
We tried qwen2.5 coder 7b instruct model but it didnt know tool calling. Failed twice.
Later, we tried a Groq llama 8b fine tuned model and this was also not great - it is very unreliable in following rules mentioned in .md files.
1/3 it actually called the required tool but even then, it reverted back to using talking rather than doing stuff with the output.
I have stopped the testing for now. I will return to this, not sure when.
Sorry old chap, I don't understand your banter.
("turned up his tail")
Orr Lake Golf Club Work Projekt 2026
here my latest journaling hopefully you enjoy reading it:)If you feel for getting in touch do not be shy and just reach out- Everything you've ever Dreamed
Worrying Signs of Getting Old
Weird technology mistakes: on Saturday I just wanted to add one of our family gatherings to my calendar on the iPhone. I typed "Family gathering" and the phone helpfully used...